Why I Would Rather be a Zombie than a Vampire

There has been a recent resurgence – or rather, reanimation – of zombies and vampires in the entertainment industry.

They are probably the two most popular monsters and both have long and ever-changing histories in the arts and entertainment business, but these beasts have had new life breathed into them by popular modern adaptations. There are the Resident Evil and 28 Days Later film franchises and 30 Days of Night, the teeny-bopper book series sensation Twilight, countless video games like Dead Rising and Left 4 Dead…the list goes on.

In light of this, someone asked me which I would rather be: a zombie or a vampire. I didn’t hesitate to say vampire. The modern literary vampire is known to be intelligent, suave and sophisticated, well dressed and even sexy. Think Brad Pitt in Interview with the Vampire or any of Anne Rice’s other characters. Vampires are immortal yet they walk among the living like normal citizens despite being undead.

On the other side of the horror see-saw, zombies are portrayed as stupid – even when they can run fast enough to chase your moving car – dirty and decaying corpses who groan and shriek, making it impossible for them to blend into the world of the living. Instead of being solitary figures like vampires, zombies travel in packs and are often aligned with the loss of individuality, cults and communism. And I think most people would agree that while the sensuous blood sucking of vampires is sexy, the voracious flesh eating of zombies is just gluttonous and grotesque.

So vampire seemed like the obvious choice. But when I gave the question a little more thought, I realized I was selling zombies short.

What fun is being immortal when everyone you would ever know and love would die? And as much as I appreciate a higher intellect, after living for centuries I have a feeling the novelty might start to wear off. Perhaps zombies aren’t burdened by idiocy, but liberated by obliviousness. After a couple hundred years I don’t think I would mind putting complex theories aside in favour of getting in line to mindlessly chase some people through suburbia or a mall.

Now it’s time to get to the core of this debate. Brains aside, and on to brawn. In a fight between a zombie and a vampire, I am quite confident the zombie would win, no contest. First, the two monsters can be considered equals in the sense that they both possess the ability to transform their victims into one of them. And yes, the vampire could suck the zombie’s blood, but since a zombie is dead its blood probably wouldn’t provide the vampire with the necessary nutrition, rendering this attack ineffective. However, the zombie could eat the vampire. This could result in the creation of a zombie-vampire hybrid because the zombie would ingest the vampire’s blood and, if we are to believe Bram Stoker, would subsequently become immortal.

So I ask you: Would you rather abide by social constructs – except for the odd time you need to feed – and spend your nights in an uncomfortable wooden box for eternity, or would you rather throw restraint to the wind and run around like you’re a kid again, eating what ever you want, including vampires?

That’s what I thought.