I Heart Standardization

"Why would Ford commission a devout Marxist to paint his mural?"

- guy in Legacy of the Automobile class on Diego Rivera's Detroit Industry mural

Mid-Week Mix-ed Bag

1. I love that Discovery Channel commercial as much as I hate Nickelback.
   
2. I had a dream the other night where Woody Allen was The Riddler. But I think he was an impostor. Because Elvis Costello was also The Riddler...
   
3. Apparently everyone on the 2 Dundas starts at the same time as me on Wednesdays. So congrats, 10:30am Wednesday class. You're On Notice. I was waiting for 25 minutes for the bus. Like, three "full" buses passed me. And by the time I got picked up at 10:30 there were like 30 people waiting at my stop. Trust me, it had nothing to do with the sudden snow squalls. This happens every Wednesday.
4. KH and I have decided to start a socio-political literary/arts magazine. More on that later.

Set Me Adrift

I want to be a dead-beat

A beat-nick

A nick-knack collector

But what would I do 

With all these things

Too heavy with memory 

To sling on my back

Too precious with heart

To spread on the street

Because I’ll be that girl

With chalk on her face

And red speckled elbows

Toe-tapping the tune

Of the last passer-by

And with the sweep of her hand

Clearing the dust

Of humming and drumming

Everyday life

Before unfolding a palm

And blowing a kiss

To the blank canvas below

Covering it with colour

Perfectly matching your face

Until too many feet

Or too much rain

Turns you into someone 

I don’t recognize

Screen Astronauts Guild?

Ok, so I'm watching red carpet stuff for the SAG Awards while I do my homework. Originally I was just flipping to it during a commercial but now I can't flip back to what I was watching because this red carpet show is a train wreck and it has sucked me in.

These two over-made-up women doing the interviews, we'll call them Idiot 1 and Idiot 2 (because I don't know their names), are asking the dumbest questions and wearing hideous dresses. They just keep asking people who their celebrity crushes were when they younger and not handling deadpan or sarcastic celebrity jokes with aaaanything witty.  They're juggling apples and and making lame sexual references...

Now, I'm not claiming to be able to do any better, but I'm sure there are people out there who could. Why aren't they working tonight?!

However, I did enjoy when Tracy Morgan said he was excited to see James Earl Jones on the carpet because Jones is his biological father.  And when Will Arnett and Amy Poehler ignored Idiot 1 to talk about Jenna Fischer (who was on the carpet) and conducted their own commentary in mocking voices.

Please call me, scam artists

I knew there was reason to be suspicious of that do-not-call list...

Elective Psychopathy

"...We're not reasonable and rational creatures. Far from it. We resort to reason when it suits us. For most people life is comfortable today, and we have the spare time to be unreasonable if we choose to be. We're like bored children. We've been on holiday for too long, and we've been given too many presents. Anyone who's had children knows that the greatest danger is boredom. Boredom, and a secret pleasure in one's own malice. Together they can spur a remarkable ingenuity."
"Let's stuff baby's mouth with sweets and see if he stops breathing?"
"Exactly." (103)

- J.G. Ballard Kingdom Come

Post-Secondary Education

I don’t think I can do this school thing anymore. And I love school. But after fifteen and a half years the novelty is finally starting to wear off. If I have to sit through one more student-made PowerPoint presentation I’m going to try to rip out all my hair.

Congratulations, Post-Secondary Education.
You’re On Notice.

People are always saying, “You’ll wish you were in school once you have to start working all the time,” or, “Why would you want to rush into the ‘real world’ when you’re in university?” Blah blah blah. How about because at least then I’ll be doing something, living, instead of writing academic essays?!

A girl friend who doesn’t share my opinion said that “we’ll never have as much free time as we do now.” I disagree. Most of the ‘free time’ I have now is because I’m not doing my homework.

Instead of learning things anymore, I’m being taught the same things by different people. The overlapping of content in courses is disgusting. And every semester I take at least one class that sounds boring as fuck -- but sounds really useful -- that ends up being a colossal waste of time.

The only classes I enjoy attending anymore are the ones on random topics that, while very interesting, probably won’t get me anywhere in the ‘real world.’ For example: Watching Music on the Small Screen: Popular Music on TV; From Bram to Buffy: The Vampire in TV, Print ad Film; Crash: Landscape, Culture and the Legacy of the Automobile… The list goes on. The only two electives that have proven their worth are Arts & Entertainment Journalism and Creative Non-Fiction Writing.

I’m pretty sure I just keep writing the same essay over and over but through different topics. Some essays topics include: the Jesus complex and technological rebirth in R.U.R and The Matrix; why The Wizard of Oz is a preemptive containment text; labyrinths and the questionable futility of death (particularly suicide) in Voices of Time and The Shining; the perpetuation of female stereotypes in music and failed authenticity in Girlicious…

I’m going to make next year as easy as possible. This is no longer about kill count; it’s about finishing the mission.

Pics or Lies

Sound sure does carry through the labyrinthine world of cubicles. While at work today I heard many things, from the benign (the selling of ad space, the offer of coffee) to the fantastic (guttural frat-boy-esque shouting and the following sporadic comments):

"... and I was like, 'What's this? Oh, it's a golden shower,' and I had to call upstairs to ask how to delete it from my computer..."

"... haha, it's a girl being pooped on..."

"... I think I found the end of the internet... It's this porn site..."

Which leads me to today's lesson:

If you think you've found the end of the internet then you obviously haven't seen 4chan.

HOWEVER, I warn you that this is, in fact, the true end of the internet. Do not be fooled by the site's primitive looking facade or the numerous anime/manga references you might first encounter, for lurking within those seemingly innocent threads live posts to melt your mind into an unidentifiable mess. If there's no room for ambiguity in your sense of morality, this is not for you. The people on this site should be institutionalized. If you can wade through the unimaginable inappropriateness of a large portion of the content there is some really funny stuff. Don't judge me. My gamer friends told me about this.

Inauguration Day

As of noon today, Barack Obama is the 44th President of the United States. 

This obviously calls for some blogging and a celebratory glass of wine before I head to my next class. But what can I possibly say about this?

Obama's address was epic (that part about being someone whose father might not have been served in a restaurant 60 years ago and now being President? Delicious), as was the benediction by Rev. Lowery. The song by John Williams was beautiful and the crowd stretched for something like 2 miles. On the other hand, old Cheney was wheelchair-bound after suffering a back injury while moving out and John Roberts muddled the wording of the Oath of Office.

I hesitate to say this, but despite the obvious weight of this event I couldn't help but feel like I was watching a giant sporting event. The announcer's booming voice and the American national anthem, especially, made me feel like next on the podium would be the starting line-up of the Pittsburgh Steelers...

Superbowl anticipation aside, here's to change! 

Damn that Congress lunch sounds good...

Viva la Gamer

I'm taking a Contemporary Grammar writing course this semester. I know, sounds riveting, right? We've been ever so slowly getting into the real business of it, but today's lecture left me intrigued, and fighting to suppress laughter.

We were talking about lexical rules and how as native English speakers we often know when a sentence is wrong but can't always articulate why (hence learning grammar). For example, some verbs are stative, meaning they don't describe a process but simply a state (like to be). These verbs cannot be used in the structure be + present participle (like is walking). Of course, an example was provided.

Here is the incorrect sentence:

Sue is owning a BMW.

The "correct" sentence is: 

Sue owns a BMW.

Which leads me to today's lesson:

Gamer's are taking English to the next level because there is a context in which that sentence is grammatically correct.

In the event of a woman vs. car confrontation, it would be correct to say that "Sue is owning a BMW" if she's beating the shit out of a Beemer. The car doesn't need to belong to her. It could belong to anyone. All that matters is that she is owning that noob of a car.

The High Road

I have a section dedicated to obsessions and I thought it only fair to dedicate a section to such things holding less savory positions in my mind. And so, with great pleasure, I would like to debut my On Notice section, Colbert style.

Congratulations, The High Road.

You're On Notice.

There is rumoured to be a certain sense of maturity in taking the proverbial high road, but I think that's elitist bullshit. I mean, hey, I love elitism as much as the next elitist, but what's the fun there? You just need to be clever about it. Think controlled burn rather than forest fire. You dig it? I say it's better to slyly lay some burn (flaming tipped arrows rather than balls of fire from a trebuchet) than risking a Hindenburg-level disaster being the pot of gold at the end of your fancy high road.

Over-exposure in aisle one!

I finally got my interview and was out a little after 2:30. I figured the best course of action was to grab some groceries before heading home.

I'm standing with my sad little green plastic basket at the end of an aisle in the produce section. The bananas were making suggestive remarks and I felt I couldn't resist buying a few. So I'm innocently checking out the selection along with two other shoppers: an older woman who was having just as much trouble choosing a bunch as I was, and a big older man wearing giant navy blue rubber boots over a navy blue ensemble.

The three of us each came to our own hesitant fruit decision and were slowly setting the "chosen ones" into our respective baskets when I noticed the man was starting to slowly shuffle away. With his pants down. Luckily he noticed his new ankle restraints and slowly put them back in their public-friendly position and continued shopping.

The truly weird part: While trying to be inconspicuous, I quickly glanced around. No one else seemed to notice and if they did they must have been unfazed. Is this a common occurrence at the Oxford and Richmond Valu-Mart?

Just a quickie

My editor just left for the afternoon to cover the boat show so here I sit, one article in the bag and one article hanging from the tip of the cliff above the proverbial bag. I'm waiting for a source that was apparently going to call me back "any minute" about 30 minutes ago after I spent all week tracking down the person.

I was in at quarter to 9 this morning to do another phone interview. I need to close this set of brackets that is my Friday and go home. Or, pick up some groceries because whilst sitting here I jotted down a list. I wonder what other lists I can make... I do love making lists...

Mmm, mmm. The glamour of journalism. Smells good, right?

In Soviet Russia, the product endorses YOU!

I've always said that the marketing people at Ford are pure genius for snagging Kiefer Sutherland to do the voice overs in their commercials. Not only is he Jack Bauer and a pirate, he's a total fox. That voice. He could sell me anything.

But now my beloved Zach Braff is water. Yes, he is the voice of water in the current PUR Water Filtration campaign.

Although celebrity endorsement is nothing new (hell, good ole Eddie Bernays got a bunch of celebrities to party with Coolidge at the White House so people wouldn't think he was such a sour-puss before re-election), it seems to be getting a little out of hand, no?

 

Is the fact that Zach Braff is the voice of water going to persuade me to buy a PUR water filter for my tap? Probably not, because I'm a poor student and I have a Brita pitcher. It's ridiculous that we can be convinced to buy things because actors are in the ads. You know they're just acting in those, right? That's what they do for a living. Pretend. So stop trying to sell stuff to me. Did you hear me, Andie MacDowell? I already use L'Oreal products!

However, I just saw this celebrity election ad for the first time in my Consumerism class this week (yes, I'm several months behind) and it's actually quite hilarious. Give me a break though, Harrison Ford is in it!

Backwards, into a wall of fire

I've come to two conclusions today.

Uno: I really hate it when people eat a cup of pudding or yogurt by sucking the substance out of the top rather than using a spoon. Either bring a spoon with you or bring a snack that doesn't require you eating like a small child.

Dos: The infamous and sexy Hobo Matt (guy on campus who looks like Matt Good in his Strange Days video who I always see and brings me good luck) must actually have graduated for I have not seen his perfectly scruffy face yet this school year. I wonder if he realized how many times he saw me since we made eye contact so many times (due to my staring). He opened a door for me once. I felt compelled to tell him he resembled Hobo Matt but my small slice of sanity advised me against it. I like to think of his as "the one who got away."

I don't smell bacon

Today was my first day as an intern at the London Free Press. 

On my way home the 2 Dundas stopped a block or so west of Richmond and a well dress young man wearing black shoes and a grey coat and clutching a gym bag stepped onto the bus followed by a few more young people. Instead of gym bags they had signs which appeared to be protesting the war. If you're familiar with the Dundas-Richmond intersection you know the variety of dodgy people these youngster were. They were followed by two policemen. 

The protestors, who had apparently caused a disturbance, were asked to disembark. One of them, the only one who would return to the bus, made some comment like "Oh, he thinks he's such a tough man because he has a gun." From what I heard his friend didn't make it back to the bus because he was arrested. 

I spent the rest of the ride pretending to listen to my iPod while actually listening to this idiot bitch about the "pigs" and that the loophole to dealing with them is to ask, "Am I being arrested or detained?" and if they say "no" then you're free to ignore them and leave. I also learned they were protesting Starbucks. Good thing the girl he was talking to was drinking Tim Hortons.

On my way home from campus this morning the bus driver splashed a pedestrian with slush as he pulled up to the curb when approaching the next stop. By the time everyone got on the bus the splashed guy had passed by us. So the driver crept the bus forward and motioned the guy over to the vehicle. The driver apologized and the guy told him it was okay, there was nothing the driver could have done.

So, with that, I think my faith in humanity actually leveled up today.

Anakin, you're breaking my heart

Got that right.

I'm watching Revenge of the Sith on TV.

That conversation between Padme and Anakin is just golden:

Padme: Anakin, all I want is your love.

Anakin: Love won't save you, Padme! Only my new powers can do that!

...

Padme:...Stop now, I love you!

Anakin: Liar! You brought him here to kill me! Tries to strangle her with the infamous Force Grip.

And let's not forget Yoda's out of control sentence rearranging and the incredibly emotional speech Obi-Wan gives about his love for Anakin after he slices off Anakin's legs and leaves him engulfed in flames. Oh, there are far too many lines to list.

But the epic lines don't end there.

Has anyone seen trailers for the new V-Day movie My Bloody Valentine 3D?

Because nothing says "date movie" like a 3D ride to Hell.

I'm just falling in love with film all over again.